


The Ballad of Han and Gisele

by matchsticks



Category: Fast Five (2011), Fast and the Furious Series
Genre: F/M, Medieval ballad, Poetry, Yuletide, abcb rhyme scheme, genre-inappropriate vocabulary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 11:29:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1093385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matchsticks/pseuds/matchsticks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of how Han Lue wooed Gisele Harabo, in the style of a medieval ballad. (Set during Fast Five.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ballad of Han and Gisele

**Author's Note:**

  * For [voleuse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/voleuse/gifts).



In Rio de Janeiro  
They gathered eftsoons;  
To pull off Toretto's scheme  
They planned many moons.

The finest drivers he'd gathered  
To carry out foolhardy scheme;  
Among them Gisele,  
And Han to round out the team.

Gisele was as beautiful  
As Han was socially awkward;  
Many times he strove to speak  
But doubts resurfaced like clockwork.

Her hair was as a silken cascade,  
Her eyes were the depths of splendour;  
She could kick a man straight in the face  
But she could also be tender.

Her smile was rare and radiant  
As the sun through diamond prism;  
Her spirit was quick and nimble,  
Her mind an ode to feminism.

But most appealing of all  
Was how she could handle sharp turns  
In a car going 100 mph;  
And so for her Han's passion burned.

Unable to find the courage  
To proposition her straight out,  
He sought the advice of others  
To guide him on the proper route.

He first tried asking Roman  
Because he seemed the type of man  
Who was constantly surrounded  
By ladies very fit and tan.

"The key to getting honeys,"  
Roman said quite seriously,  
"Is to wear all black everything  
And prowl mysteriously."

Such advice was useless nonsense,  
Han knew so right away;  
He guessed Rome was simply lucky  
Women liked his face and his pay.

Next he asked Brian O'Conner  
For Mia was certainly a catch;  
He must some have some vague idea  
Of how to make a love match.

Brian received his question  
With panic in his blue eyes;  
"That's not really my area,"  
He s-s-stammers in surprise.

"Why don't you ask Mia instead?  
That would be what I'd advise;  
She has those smart Toretto genes,  
In matters of the heart she's wise."

It seemed a sound course of action,  
But before Han could carry't out  
He was intercepted by Tej,  
Who'd heard the rumours strewn about.

"Yo, Han, my man, say it ain't true,  
You should really have no trouble  
In the department of romance;  
Your honour is any man's double."

"Thank you, my friend," was Han's reply,  
"But I'm not sure honour wins hands;  
After all how is she to know?  
My shyness she misunderstands."

"Chicks dig big gestures," Tej instructs.  
"You need to figure out a deed  
Second only to our Rio heist  
In grandness, and its charm exceed."

Han isn't sure Tej understands;  
Gisele is not a woman swayed  
By gestures nor by displays.  
But what other choice has he weighed?

Perhaps a gesture after all  
Would be better than keeping silent;  
And living out the rest of his days  
Feeling regret most violent.

He considers balloons, thousands  
Her name written on each, released;  
Or perhaps learning to sky write  
With a biplane and elbow grease.

He seriously begins  
To wonder how mad Dom would get  
If he compromised their position  
By hiring a smooth jazz quartet.

He surreptitiously looks up  
The shipping prices of live doves,  
When Mia interrupts to ask  
If he is doing it for love.

"Brian told me you were asking  
For advice on wooing Gisele;  
Have you ever contemplated  
Simply telling her that she's swell?"

"Oh, Mia, it sounds so simple  
For you to say in the light of day;  
But I find my courage grows weak  
In front of her my tongue doth stray."

Mia takes a moment to think  
Tapping finger on shapely chin;  
Brian is a fortunate man,  
For Mia is her brother's twin.

Not literally, of course,  
But measure for measure equal  
In every way to Dominic  
Except better skills with people.

"I think what you need to do, Han,  
Is to be less of a pussy;  
Women like Gisele have no time  
To coddle the whims of a wussy."

Han takes back his kind thoughts before;  
Mia's people skills were shitty.  
Back to crying alone about  
Gisele so clever and pretty. 

Taking pity at Han's expression,  
Mia put a consoling arm  
Around his shoulders and added,  
"In asking her I see no harm;

"She is not blind to your fondness  
And must on some level return  
These feelings of affection; else  
She would have long ago them spurned.

"She wouldn't humour anyone  
Unless she truly wanted to;  
Therefore to her hie thee thither,  
And let thoughts of live doves wither."

Armed thus with sound advice at last,  
Han sought out Gisele, to say what  
He had no fucking idea;  
He just hoped her heart was not shut.

It took him a while to find her  
And when he spotted her she had  
Her beautiful head bent in close  
Consultation with Tej the cad.

"What dudes really dig are gestures,"  
Han overheard Tej say to her,  
"Something really big so he knows  
You like him, and his feelings stir."

"I'm not sure that's the kind of thing  
A man like Han covets in life,"  
Gisele replied skeptically;  
Realization cut like a knife.

Han's heart soared – the sound of his name  
Had never been as sweet as now;  
A perfect chance to confess love  
Upon him Fortune thus endowed.

"Ignore Tej, his advice is dumb;  
Your instinct was right, no gesture  
Nor impressive token needed  
When you I already treasure."

Like in all his dreams, fair Gisele  
Cleaved to him like the nearly drowned,  
Then rolled her eyes and thanked the Lord,  
" _Finally_ , you've come around!"

To him explained deadly Gisele  
That she had been wooing him the while,  
And had nearly given up hope  
Of a response for all her guile.

"All those smiles and inviting looks,  
And invitations to go race,  
And yet still you hesitated,  
'Til I thought my efforts a waste."

"Oh Gisele, if only you knew,  
How I agonized every day,  
Wanting but unsure of my place!"  
Han exclaimed, fears at last allayed.

Gisele laughed and held him close,  
Then at last, long-awaited kiss  
Upon Han's eager lips she lay;  
Ne'er a word could describe that bliss.

Misunderstandings past, they kissed  
Until their lips did start to chafe;  
And kept kissing until they dragged  
Through the streets of Rio a safe.


End file.
